Sandman’s Definitive Ratings – Celtic v Internet Password


“We must accept finite disappointment but never lose infinite hope.” Martin Luther King Jr.

ROXIE – 6/10 – Wore a black Celtic away strip in expectation of filling in at sweeper. That was a fanciful notion quickly disavowed as they proved to be capable of firing in more shots in the first ten minutes than theRangers in 90. No chance with any of the three.

GREGGS THE BAKER – 3.5/10 – Fussy and lukewarm to begin – much like recent sausage rolls… – as he too was surprised by the intensity of Bodo’s press. For all the effort he’s put into establishing his place in the first eleven and squad as a whole, he unravelled a lot of that good work tonight with careless, slovenly play.

STAR LORD – 6/10 – Made the pass of his life in the second minute to release Lord Katsumoto in their box. Managed another before his customary frazz-out but wrangled himself back into competitive mode with some Shelby grit and nattering rodent voices in his heid. Didn’t do a lot wrong despite conceding three.

GET CARTER – 6.5/10 – Won their keeper ‘Brave Norwegian Of The Month’ award at a clattering encounter. Dented the sacred turf but was back upright like a 2001 Space Odyssey monolith after the med staff quickly rigged up a pulley system utilizing the Bodo crossbar. This match showed he can be sprightly on those deep sea diver boots and keep his wits about him. Became our main playmaker second-half; an indication something was awry.

JURAN JURAN – 5.5/10 – Shy and retiring as always; even the ref wouldn’t mess with him and carded their winger to keep Juran from eviscerating him. He seemed to provide the angry spark we needed to get to their competitive level, but that extinguished soon after the break and he – and the hoops – never recovered.

CALMAC – 6.5/10 – Our leader and solo cylinder in the Hoops engine block first helped. Used to dictate, he was chasing superior athletes outnumbering him in the tight midfield centre; No fault of his. But as ever, his persistence threatened to beat their resistance. Sadly, not enough cohesion around him to make his
design imprint on the game.

THE BUILDER – 7/10 MOTM – Damn, the kid’s got footballing genetics right in the Celtic tradition. Not the fastest nor fittest, but he carries the Rogic ability and was our main hope of crafting some joy. Which meant it was more that surprising and deflating to see him hooked and denied the chance to exploit late gaps. basil!

ROGIC – 4/10 – The missing link. Such a fine line in games like this. You get Oz in synch with The Builder and Calmac and their intense pressing and furious hustling gets nullified by sweeping football. Not like that. Oz failed to amble out the starting gates and we ran the race handicapped.

ABADASS – 4/10 – Failed to function. Promise, as ever, was there but the course of his final ball made a comeback and the big left back ran around him – and a lot of our players – like Brian Glover in ‘Kes’ (look the football scene up on YouTube, kids , it’ll give you the only ironic laugh you’ll get today…) In fact, Celtic should sign the big guy based solely on this performance. A left back born to play Angeball.

LORD KATSUMOTO – 6/10 – A trier, always. The pace and willingness to bust a lung was not fully serviced; it took until that snifter of a header for us to provide the service his input deserves. Not got the touch to match the toil but its reliability is without question.

NOTEBOOK – 3.5/10 – Whit? The Talisman, folding like an Owen Archdeacon tribute? One night we really required the difference he brings and he turned A Different Corner. Like an Andrew Ridgeley songwriting exercise, he couldn’t get anything right, bar one strike on goal, and stayed on the park due to reputation alone.


HAKUNA HATATE – 5/10 – Surprised to see him on the bench and didn’t look the right call as it all transpired. When he appeared, he struggled to get the pace of the game and that culminated in him sclaffing a ball in the middle to allow their scoring retaliation right after we’d set the place alight.

JAMESY – 6/10 – An away end full of Norwegian burds and you wait until the 75th minute to throw on Jamesy… Of course he was rare to get in there; proved it with the only good delivery of our entire night for the goal and almost nicked a second with a reactive header at a deflected cross in injury time; went with the wrong heid, Jamesy…

SON OF JACKIE – 5.5/10 – Another who might have wondered why he didn’t start, given their physicality. But when he entered he gave us a better ability to shake their backline up; a useful nuisance.

ANITA DOBSON-4/10- Well, Ange got sacked. That’s a grid iron term folks, don’t panic. Creeps into yer vocabulary when you stay up all night watching the Superbowl just to see if Eminem makes an appearance in the half-time show. hey did And it’s definitely been the highlight of the week after last night.

‘Sacked’ means the opposition’s human bulldozers get through your line of human bulldozers and catch your
quartermaster still taking stock of supplies when he’s meant to have thrown the rugby ball to bounce off the
motorbike helmet of one of the crack-addict flying wingers who keep running way from him every time he
shouts Pizza Hut.

Our quartermaster was bamboozled by Bodo’s high-velocity harassment, underestimating their ability to close
midfield space so quickly and unable to combat it as he’d gone with two cultured but calculating creatives
who offered little resistance to an athletic press. No doubt he’ll ruminate and conjour up something to take to the North Pole, but it’s an ask and a half.

OVERALL – 4/10 – meh What a deflating echo of last season’s grind that was. Tempo out of sorts, passing awry, unable to combat their nervous energy and hunger. By the time we’d shake ourselves we were trailing and they were on a different level of awareness.

We went at it like a domestic chore. They approached it like they did with Roma; excited for the history they might make. Reminded me of Celtic sides’ great Euro performances like Barca, Milan – last night we were on the receiving end of a team committed to death or glory while our players were still trying to spell their name.

Two Norwegian titles in a row. Deserved on that evidence. Celtic deserved what we got; humbled by ‘unknowns’, a
Lesson in collective unity, tactical thoroughness, tremendous focus on the task at hand. Now we get to show the Celtic version of the classic Ali mantra – ain’t nothing wrong in going down; it’s staying down that’s wrong. Or, as Alan Partridge might have it—time to bounce back.

Either way, we’d best shake that aberration off and get on it again Sunday – there’s a far more important title
to win than conquerors of Plucky North Pole FC.

Go Away Now

sand man

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